I will stand back up

I am dying - I may look happy and excited and everything positive on the outside but htats only cause i dont let anyone be able to look on the inside i dont want anyone to see the nasty dark inside - im dying inside, Im sick of life - Im constantly doing osme thing whether its work, homework, or school, or something for someone else - I cant get any time FOR ME! WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT ME? I AM HUMAN! I AM A PERSON - I  CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH !

but then when some trys to help i just push them away anyways - cause i dont want them to see me, the real me! Im hurting, im crying, im dying inside - and no one can see - NO ONE but me!


IM just giving it all away!

So i was going through my yearbook these past couple of days (dont ask why) and i found this (english) paper - assuming it was english  anyways - tucked away folded in half inside my senior yearbook... And honestly reading it now - I fell in love with it .... here it is - -------

Why do I write? As the question repeats inside my head. Its a good question actually - some say its a stress reliever, for me its sometimes like that but not always. 
I write because I believe at times, paper is the only one that understands, and is only the best listener. I write because i have to get these thoughts out of my head and want my mind to "breathe" once in a while. I write becuase i physically have nothing to say. I write because it takes me out of reality and into my own world where my imagination can fly and nothing can pull me down. 

The paper does not judge me for what i write, it does not talk back or say anything for that matter. Paper is the best listener and the only one to understand completely every word; and it sits there waiting - and waiting - for your thoughts and feelings to spill out. Paper is my best friend - thats why i write!

My social life is like a playground.....

My friends are either riding on the merry go round or spinning the merry go round to make it go faster - 

And all im doing is standin there to watch, and help my friends hold their hair back or comfort them when they get off and puke!

I cant stop thinking about you, what life would be like sharing dreams and days with you. 
How beautiful itd be - i will never stop loving you! only forever will I care!

How I havent been here since last year - Well i decided to post some random things about myself cause - i figured i should update this thing and then also I dunno - update myself .... apparently alot of people still think Im the "goth chick" / "going towards the dark side" type girl and I never was that actually....

I find it funny too cause i had a few "friends" from high school come up to me some time after graduation and say - "we never liked you, the only reason why we hung out with you and stuff is cause we had too, and our friends were friends with your friends  - blah blah blah" you get the idea. 
Well i have to say something to that - you didnt have to hang out wiht me - and you didnt have to pretend to be my friend - I already knew that! - Honestly have to say the class of 05 wasn't all that great - I think I would have rather not graduated - get held back for the year and graduate with 06 - but then again - no class is perfect so i guess 05 is good! ----- enough of me complaining 

OH and by the way - I never was going to the "dark side" ------ some people may have heard me talking about it - I was never going to the "dark side" ----- the "dark side" was the name of my sister's boyfriend's Hockey team and i went to go watch them play every now and then - (at the time boyfriend anyways) 

So watch out for the rumors - not all are true - in fact most arent true! 

I have changed completely ........

I am not that girl anymore - for sure!  Random Facts:

I dislike wearing black - yes i have to wear to work and thats the only time i wear it! - i dont wear black anymore. 

I'd wear khakis and collared shirt over jeans and a Tshirt - its more comfortable to me....

I enjoy "goofin" with my sister and hanging out with her. 

I enjoy going to school - yes I said school ....

I like Biology class and I love ASL class (so much fun) 

I have 15 credits this semester, two jobs - and im bored 

in my spare time i listen to music (that hasnt changed) and read books, and study and i like to write

i love stouffer's mac n cheese but I dislike Kraft mac n cheese - lol - yes i know its wierd

i dislike the words : 
OLD : when its describing someone's age - you are never old - if you feel young thats the age you are. i dislike it when its being used as "Im old" when your like turning 30 - give me a break!
CANT: who said you cant do anything - you CAN do anything - dont be negative - but if its used as "i cant remember" - then its fine!
HANGIN' : I dont know why - its a long story - i just dont like that word

There are more - but  they are unknown on the top of my head!

I love both my jobs - American Eagle and The palace

And last but not least - as little as I see them I love all my friends to death! 
         I consider most of them - like siblings - more than friends

Inspiration is the best feeling - EVER! 


well enough with this - im back to my biology homework - i will for sure try and update more than once every 3 months 
if you dont hear from me from email/myspace/facebook - etc.  You will for sure be able to see what im up too here! 

love y'all lots n lots

-kate-

When the world knocks you back,
And you don't think you can get up,
When you've thrown in the towel,
And you're sure you've had enough,
Hang back a sec and think,
Of the best friend that you've got,
And it's alright,
Everything's alright.

When you're cut down,
And you're bleeding,
And you've cried out that you're leaving,
Coz the world ain't fair,
And the fighter rages still,
Hold up you're fists,
Keep a stiff upper lip,
Because behind you,
You know's the strength of two,
And it's alright,
Everything's alright.

If you're feeling all alone and down,
Because there's no one else around,
And the world is topsy-turvy upside-down,
Don't frown,
Because I promise you I'll be your friend,
The best friend that you've got,
And if you're fighting then I'll be your strength of two,
So don't be sad or lonely,
Or think you can't go on,
Because you know that I will always be with you,
And it's alright,
Everything's alright.

I cant sleep and its two AM on a monday! 

I have way to much on my mind, I dont know what to do anymore..

Worring about people that i love the most - to - what i have for homework tomorrow - to - when am i going ot be working - to - all sorts of things 

worrying about people (the first one that i mentioned) is the biggest one i think right now! ---- they dont have a clue on how much love that is -- at least i dont think they know! 

well i suppose i should try gotta get up in bout 4 hours 

school all day long - yay! (Not really) 

-i love you all -

-katie-

Im bored - earlier - about 5 min. ago. I felt as if I was dying! LITERALLY - i could feel my bones aching and my brain spinning and the world was becoming dark but the lights were on! I was just laying there, My bones and whole entire body felt like 100s and 100s of pounds as if I couldn't lift myself off the floor. I was just laying there with my eyes wide open in the quietness of my room. It felt as if something was pushing me down towards the floor and I couldn't budge!
I finally got up (obviously) my head was spinning so fast I could barely make it to my chair here! I have scratches on my arms and scares too! I feel weak inside. I could pass out right about now! Im tired and want to go to bed but I know - once I do this - I won't be able to fall asleep. 
I went to the mall and to kohls (shopping) today with my mom - NOT A GOOD IDEA! 
I felt soooo fat in those clothes that I tried on - half of them I didnt even get! actually most of them i didnt even get! 
nothing happened today - nothing unusual anyways! the same old shit happened! well...Im tired - I have to work tomorrow and my grandma and cousin are coming over tomorrow - so im going to bed hopefully i'll be able to get through tomorrow! 


~katie~

people piss me off soooo badly! they complain about things that dont even make sense and then they turn around and do what the other person did that pissed them off before - yes i know I prolly do it too - but it just makes me soo mad and im getting fed up with it!

it happens especially at my house - for example... my sister sits on her ass all day long at home in her room talking on the internet which she has this huge mess out in the living room to clean up - which it sits there for days and she says she doesnt have time bullshit - she totally has time she jsut doesnt do it! IT PISSES ME OFF! b/c i have two jobs school/homework and so much more and she sits on her ass and does nothing - yet my mom still comes up to me and says "hey can you do this for me" and I go "no, have christie do it" Mom: "oh she wont do it" NO CRAP SHE WONT DO IT! SHE NEVER EVEN ANSWERS THE DAMN PHONE!!!!
I do my own laundry I help my mom with the house cleaning I do my homework i have two jobs I do the dishwasher I help around the house
my sister - again - sits on her ass and does nothing

WOULD THAT NOT PISS YOU OFF?

why i came home in the first place - gets me!
~katie~

BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and ive also noticed on mr. horvath's forum - i cant read new posts or cant send PMs or delete the old ones - so somethin happened there - so i mindaswell be CUT OF FROM THE WORLD! GEEEZZZ>....... i hate this!

grrr.... not a good day!

so today my back is still killing me! it feels like someone is taking a sharp pair of needles and squeezing them together right where my shoulders meet! and pinching the nerves and the muscles together towards my back! it hurts when i sit and when i lay on my back the most ! so when im sitting in class i move positions like every 10 min. or so! 
and then tonight i have SIT at a baseball game for how ever many hours! thats going to be fuN! im so excited (so sarcastic) omg! my back is killing me! it hurts when i breathe deep too! (which is not good, obviously) 

anyways ~ so today i have ot go to this baseball game (the tigers) hopefully they'll do good today cause i dont feel like sitting in the rain watching people loose that'd just suck! but the seats are exactly right behind home plate - to the point where i can put my feet up on the net thats right behind the empire! its kinda cool for the exception of you ahve a ball flying straight up in the air and you dont know where its going to land and you have this guy with all these pads on (the catcher) running towards you and hes looking up so he doesnt know where hes going! and its just not cool when you think about it! my mom is a huge tigers fan and so i guess shes excited! we've had these seats before and theres been many situations with the whole ball flying up in the air not knowing if your going to get smacked in the head or not! so hopefully nothing like that happens today - i dont feel like dying today!

anyways i have to go for theres not much to talk about! and i have to leave for class in like 10 min. ENGLISH CLASS here we come! 

yay im soooo excited! =|  =\ 


im out! 
~katie~

yesterday - my back was killing me! i couldnt move it - my neck is becoming like that and the back of my head! 

No matter how much excedrin i take - it wont go away so it might just be apart of this whole deal shmeal that i got myself into (goes along with the last entry) but i doubt it - for i've had this happen to me before! so i dunno whats going on - so instead of having an awesome time with my friends yesterday - that you would think  that i would be right now! i sat at home all day laying on my back cause i couldnt move it - yesterday i slept from 430pm to 630 this morning when i got up for school and i was still tired - i found myself sleeping in the same position that fell asleep in yesterday ! 

i was so tired and hurting so much i couldnt sit in one position today - i would move every 20 min. if that! and I couldnt pay attention either 
although its hard enough with me paying attention anyways - ADD just isnt good i guess! and then being tired on top of it! i dunno

today wasnt so bad i suppose! its still the blah type of day! but ...im getting through i suppose! 

i feel like I have no friends! ...HONESTLY! 

NO one calls me anymore! And the ones that do call me - i honestly am kinda getting sick of - if that makes any sense at all! 
But i feel that - having a social life isnt everything right now! 
i have a ton of things to do already and thats without a social life so i think i might be okay! 

all the people that i used to talk to are either in a different state/country
and the people that i used to talk to before going to disney world are bitches! i hate most of them! (ill explain that one later, dont feel like getting pissed off right now)
and the other people - i never see them ( like heather!) I miss her so much and shes got a schedule that is out of controllably different from mine and ITS MAKING ME MAD! _ shes my best friend! COME ON - shes  gotta have some day off sometime! 

but again - life moves on! 

school - is the same ol' blah!

work - I have no hours this week except thursday - which is making me think that either one) i need to get another job or two) i need to get a new one al together
and they are the worst hours to have thursday 430 to midnight ! what kind of shift is that - yeah ive done that kinda of shift at WDW - but here IN MICHIGAN? at KOHLS? WHAT?????

im not saying my life sucks becuase well  - it doesnt - but i have a feeling in a few months when it gets all depressing out side again - im going to start getting all depressed AGAIN, too! 
I should have listened to my roommate nicole, and lived with her, down in FL - the only reason why i came back here was cause i missed my friends - and in fact im still missing them - cause i never see them and half of them arent considered my friends anymore! So i keep asking my self - was it really worth coming home? 
when i could be in FL getting killed by hurricanes, and having fun with my friends and going to college down there and getting a job - where they actually have NOW HIRING signs EVERYWHERE! unlike Michigan! 

I feel stupid!

Im sick - i know im sick - but im not doing anything about it! 
it has taken over me and I cant seem to fight it, i feel uncomfortable around people now! 
and i dont want anyone to know!

that is all!

I dont know what to do anymore. 
There's so many people that I love out there - i would do anything for! And I have to sit back and watch them do something that I dont want to watch them do! 
( i hope that made sense cause i didnt want to mention waht it was and who this person is, so again - I hope that made sense) 
For yall that dont know me - im one of those people who would drop everything and come get you or go help you if you needed it! all i am - is just a phone call away! 
I dont want to


I honestly thought that I would be fine settling into the reality life - which i am - im fine! It's alot more dramatized than i really thought! There's more problems, worse problems, more people to care about and look after!
I was excited to come home! And I'm not saying I want to literally go back to Disney world/FL...cause i love my friends and family!

but the day i came home was the day the drama slammed me up against the wall and I dont think I have been down from the wall since! 

there's just too much to think about!

Im so excited I dont know where to start! 

HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to bed last night at bout oh I dunno 3am this morning! LOL got up at 630 went to class at 8 (nearly slept through it all) Although i did manage to write down notes - sleeping and taking notes - gotta love multi-tasking! LOL 
anyways went to Algebra - didnt sleep through that actually - got home! and here comes the awesome part! 

Kohl's called - cause i applied to get a job there - and I GOT ONE! woo hooo! I go to orientation thursday night! I'm so excited! Although when I go to the orientation i think im going to wear more comfortable shoes! LOL  than i did at the job interview! LOL that was an experience! o lord! 

anyways so im sitting here supposedly doing my algebra homework thats like 5 - 10 pages long! but its pretty easy 
I gotta leave for ASL class in about an hour and a half or so - so I was just to excited to wait! 

I work at Kohl's at 26 mile and Van Dyke and i work in the junior's department! YAY! (i honestly dislike strongely working at cashier. i dont mind it sometimes but if that was my job alll day long i think i would shoot myself) anyways...im excited! back to the HW! 


~kat~

there's so much to think about - I only have ONE brain! 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

im driving myself up the wall! 

i think my brain is going to explode! 

its two thirty in the morning - im going to bed!


toodles

Monday I went to North to Visit Mrs. kearney which I feel terrible about for I really didnt visit her all that much! I'm soo sorry! :( I'll have to come in just for you sometime! I was too busy buggin' horvath! Which is so fun, in so many ways! It's okay I was nice about it! (i think) anyways ...so I talked to horvath/vicari - went to lunch with lacey at boston market - then i took her shopping so she could get the rest of her stuff for college - and she was saying how it was weird that we both have the same "mom" but we both have different last names! She found it hilarious - for she was explaining it like she would to someone else besides myself for example: 
  
  Lacey: my name is Lacey Hoch, and her name is Katie Bowden. Our mom's name is Robin Kearney! 
  Someone: How many times did your mother get married? 
Lacey : once, and she's still married to the same guy!
Someone: Are you both adopted!
Lacey: No!
Someone: then how are you....? 
Lacey: what? 

LOL - i started laughing on that - that was funny! it was cute too!  


Tuesday - Tuesday I went shopping for school supplies and was SUPPOSED to call my grandma for it was her birthday but never did : oops! =\  And I didnt do all that much - hung out with Chris didn't do all that much! just kinda Chilled! it was nice! Oh I also went to the kohl's on 26 mile rd to hand in my application - for we all know that katie needs a job! lol and I had a 5 min. interview told me to come in on Friday for a group interview at 3pm - which is fine with me cause im basically free on fridays as far as this whole "no job" thing keeps up!

Wednesday - was my first day of school I had Psychology at 8am which nearly about killed me towards 10am (i was awake at 8am but as the class went on towards 10am I got tired...I dunno im wierd like that) Then I had two hours in between so I went all the way home got money went all the way back to the bookstore picked up my psychology book went to the library to start reading chapters 1 and 2 for psychology - i figured it would be good to start the year off right! by the time i sat down in the library it was time to go to algebra (starts at 12pm) I find out that jessica bohm is in my class and that i had the same algebra teacher this time as I did last time! (which seems like forever ago...yet he remembers me...which he says is a good thing...supposedly he thinks he's old...lol) got out of algebra - went home! chilled did my homework! but i still havent started reading my lovely two chapters of psychology yet! 


Thursday - what was that yesterday? lol I forget! I got up at about 9am or so. hung around the house for a while went to class find out that andrea ditamaso and alley pazdro are in my class which is really cool for i got to catch up on what is up in their lives - which is so much more amussing than mine of course! we talked about who we still talk to and Supposedly I dont talk to anyone cause all the stuff I heard was all new to me! I dont keep track of people except for the occassion "hey how ya doin'?" that's only if I run into someone too! But aways we sat there 20 min. before class started talking - the teacher walks in - passes a paper around that explains the class tells us what books we need - etc. hands up a another booklet of papers telling us what to read for what days and then told us to fill out a piece of paper, with questions like : what would you like to be called : i just keep it at katherine for its easier i wont screw anyone up! 
So at school I get called Katherine, by my parents I'm called Kate, By my friends its Katie/kat or the occassional kabbykat, and vicari - IT'S KAT! LOL - he is the only one that ALWAYS  calls me kat - no doubt about it! LOL - i dont mind it really - honestly i dont - i used to put kat as my name in HS! so honestly i dont mind it but i think its funny that he's the only one that still calls me kat - for i would think that it would be one of my friends (not saying that vicari isnt one of my friends cuase i concider him to be) but i'm hoping you know what i mean!  ANYWAYS ....

Friday comes along ....This morning i got up about 945 ish! only cause my alarm clock went off - i really didnt need to get up at this certain time for anything - i just got up for i didnt want to sleep in (yes I am saying this) I got up - took care of some stuff for my dad - which OH CRAP! i havent finished yet! .....5 min. .later.....and then i did the normal stuff...took a shower blah blah blah! did do much this morning! Got ready to go to my interview that started at 3pm which I'm thinkin' will take about an hour at the most! OH NO! it takes 2 hours!  i honestly didnt even think it was going to be that long - for it didnt even seem that long! but wahtever! So i get out of there and I call my mother (my actual mom...lol) and tlaked to her - go home called chris (for we're suppose to hang out to night) and I got something to eat - i havent eaten all day before the interview - so i was kinda hungry by 5/6pm but not really ! Supposedly according to my dad - im anorexic - umm...NO! I EAT!!!!!!!!!! thank you very much and have a magical day! 
So i eat something - and chris calls - my dad puts my license plate on my awesome car! and well ...we then find out that they SPELLED MY NAME WRONG ON MY REGISTRATION - GRRR.....it's not my last name that they spelled wrong - cause you would figure its always the last name - OH NO! it's my first name - instead of katherine - with an A - they spell ketherine K-E-T-H-E-R-I-N-E  = WHat is that? please that's not even a name - how can you miss that? - i was mad! my first car that I'm paying for and they misspell my name! Thanks guys - thanks alot! not relaly mad just frustrated! really - no biggy! (sorta)

So my dad puts the licenses (and i know i spelt that wrong!) plate on my car and i go inside - chris calls says he'd be over in a half hour (he lives at 17 and mound rd.) so i'm like okay - 20 min. later he's here at my house (i'm at 28 mile and romeo plank) can I say speeding! but we wont go there! so we go hang around! and sh-crap like that! we couldnt figure out what to do after we had dinner so we decided to waste gas and go driving - well - we ended up in lapeer county at the dead end of Rochester Rd! (where heather's dad's house is) lol and then turned around and drove back! 

and I need to talk to mrs. kearney about something! that'd id rather not post here - for i dont know who else reads this thing! not that anyone else reads this thing anyways! but whatever!

and now im bored out of my mind - cause im listening to the same song over and over again which is going to be the song of the post or whatever you want to call that - and it's not driving me up the way - but almost making me depressed i suppose! 

well im gonna go for i think this is the longest post on my livejournal that i have made in the longest time EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was going to put something up 
but gotta run! 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Im running!


~kat~

so its my first day of school - I was tempted to walk into north to visit mrs. Kearney to day and be like "mommy, my first day of school was the best" just to be stupid but of course I didn't cause i didnt want to feel stupid and all - besides - id rather not go to North every single day of my life - cause I can actually control that now! LOL

Anyways - so I have 
Psychology at 8-10am on Mondays and Wednesdays 
Math 12-2pm on Mondays and Wednesdays
Sign Language 6-9pm on Mondays
English 12-2pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays 


My Psychology class - the only one that i've had so far - is almost the exact same thing as what I had in HIGH SCHOOL with mr. Gierach (which I had to go on LHN.com to find out how to spell his last name) lol 

so I dunno - i'm hoping that  i'll like it! But who knows its only been the first day! 

REALITY HAS SUNK IN! Can i go back to disney world now? 

NO, Actually - I'm good where I'm at! 

You're put where needed!

So i figured this out a couple nights ago...it was quite strange and it made me notice  that - this world is very small

So here it goes : (story is going to be short as possible)

My friend ashley went to high school  at regina, she got pregnant the end of her sophmore year of high school. Her parents did not give her any support at all, so she just decided to get up and leave and moved in to her aunt's house who lives in Friendsville, Tennessee. They raise horses and live on a ranch, her aunt has four boys of her own. 

Ashley became friends with two girls Lauren and Mekenna real fast. 

Mekenna goes to the same college and had the same class with my roommate bethany (january - may). So bethany knows Mekenna who knows ashley who knows me! 
Mekenna's boyfriend is best friends with Jeff and Winn who are Laura (my co-worker at disney world)'s best friends. Sean knows jeff and winn too - who was also my co - worker at disney world. Jeff and Winn worked at Animal Kingdom (january - may) with Nicole, who was my roommate as well (may - aug.) and also worked with colleen who was my neighbor (january - may) and one of bethany's friends. 

so mekenna knows bethany and ashley who both know me! 
and mekenna's boyfriend who knows jeff and winn who know sean, laura, nicole and colleen - who know me! 

so we all kinda like NO each other 


they all live in TENNESSEE! 

except colleen, myself, and nicole 

Dont you just love disney world?

LOL

ITS A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!